Can anyone help me rework a sentence of an objective essay for a Harvard medical program application?
The "On a personal level, medical technology saved my father’s life and medical research improved my mother’s life," sentence, I think, needs reworking. Any suggestions?
I am engaged on a path toward a career in medicine where I hope to focus on oncology and surgical reconstruction. My scientific and research interests originate from an innate curiosity and zest for intricate problem solving. I hope to combine my creativity, intuition, education, and experience for discovery and philanthropy. On a personal level, medical technology saved my father’s life and medical research improved my mother’s life. As a scientist, I am eager to apply myself in a challenging laboratory setting, towards meeting such real medical needs.
You could try, "On a personal note, not only did medical research help to improve the quality of my mother’s life, but medical technology actually saved my father’s life". Or, "On a personal note, I’d like to mention that medical research help to improve the quality of my mother’s life by….(mention how), and medical technology actually saved my father’s life by… (mention how). I hope that this has helped you in some way, and Good Luck with your future career.
what about"on a more personal level, medical technology and research have impacted me tremendously. They have saved my father’s life on one hand and greatly improved the quality of my mother’s. I want to be a part of that process."
Good luck with your application im sure you will make a fantastic contribution in the field